Self consciousness, insanity and hope

  • Read at your own risk. This is probably invalid due to narcolepsy.
  • I can’t tell if its histronicised. One’s subconsciousness and its agenda are kinda powerful…
  • This is a sort of analytical report… it’s extremely rational. Perhaps quite open.

If you’ve so much as tried to interact with me, you would discover I’m a very odd person. I wouldn’t judge you for not following me, because my tweets, when they do pop up, are depressed, sour and laced with malignancy or excessive rationalizations. Unintentional, but the damage is done. I don’t just look cruel- I am, in effect, cruel. Not unchangeably, not just by my fallible perception, but definitely real. I sorta… accept things like that.

And it is my responsibility to purge my demeanour, by restabilising my life.
As said by a famous man (yep, Martin Luther King), we will be judged and remembered according to the inactions of the children of light, not the pervasion of darkness.

And it’s definitely haunting. No doubt about it. I look like a dead ringer for loner, school nerd, a heartless and uncaring scientist and cold hearted bitch. But I don’t believe I am. That’s not what I want to see. And that’s why my little crusade as a paladin continues.

I’m not there to be there, as others have been there to support me. I’ve barely reciprocated anything flowing at me. I’m not obligated, but certainly it’s what should rightfully be done and what I want to do. So why not, why haven’t I pulled back?

Sadly, being acutely aware of the issue doesn’t do anything. I’ve analysed it to bits and I’ve delved to the problem’s roots. And yet, I need to take action before anything resolves. And that’s the difficult part. So… theory!

The current one: Fatigue causes a state of near drunkeness where decisionmaking is limited. This changes how I act socially- faux pas/drunknslurred comments, hyperationality, grumpiness, losing empathy-responses, emoing, and whining. The fatigue arises from disrupted sleep: this theory states it is a manifest of an anxiety disorder.

This needs explaination. Many people believe I’m a perfectionist, and that’s that. I originally.didn’t, and still don’t quite agree. It’s more likely overcompensation for a set of estranged childhood habits and expectations. A sense of “the right thing” and “doing it well”. And coupled to a problematic lifestyle, thus raises panic. It means constant vigilance and watch over these problems. It encourages beavering away at those issues all day in a last ditch to sever the problems, kill them off and normalise the personality. And… it’s horribly draining.

I suppose this normally wouldn’t be too bad, because socially humans are able to resolve things. Logically, sleeping it off is the right action. However, vigilance obstructs that- writing at 4am here- and I still need sleep. Where from? Cue nap… and, counternap.

There are many things I dislike about my parents, but the thing I’ve taken to  despise is the daytime sleeping bit. I just don’t nap. It’s our old friend, “Hello, you’re awake, it’s bright outside, go work,” but paired with “gotta stay up at work” coulis and a side salad of “Hey, now you can’t sleep in your clothes, and it’s really hard to find those pajamas and stuff, so how about you STAND AWAY FROM THE BED, LITTLE MISSY!” (dramatisation but accurate)… well, the chances of a nap are… pretty slim.

The other thing actually relates more to why I don’t sleep in the evenings: because I worry too much. In a regular household, I would have somebody close to talk to without fear of stigma.

Brilliantly I was placed in a loner family, and we’ve already discussed how awful my skills at keeping friends and communicating on Twitter are. There is no outlet. Well, there are many, I just feel so embarrassed and burdening on them, not to mention messy. Come to think of it, my parents, while not directly abusive, are hardly amicable and prone to conflicts, which is hardly helpful.

So I keep worrying (I count 4h now)… and worrying… and worrying… until I slap myself in the face and go to sleep.

Wait, aren’t I supposed to have those feminine maternal instincts?
Well yeah. I’m no font of eternal wisdom, and the little fonts dried out in the tempests of hellishly rampant fatigue- they’re on the other side of narcolepsy.

I need those instincts, though. I want to synergise those instincts to help other people that I know, whether they be my students, friends or people. I know how they feel, and being unable to lend my ears and proverbial shoulder hurts me. They’re people, like me, whom I know and could help. And I can’t stand there doing nothing. Paladins don’t do that; they enter the fray and fight for fairness, justice and rights. My vision is just that, to fight for my justice, to seek and resolve society’s afflictions (coincidental, not transcribed-from-WoW-sans-zombies!). Call me idealist, but to be like a wallflower means little to me. Doing what needs to be done is what being a paladin, a cleric, templar or a guardian is about. And to that end, I’m devout. (Excuse the religious note, but those are my philosophic beliefs and they had to be stated. Kthxbai.)

Consider the following: lady with capable skills, wisdom and knowledge. Separated from her by a perspex wall is a young girl half her age – 12. She has the burdens and encumberments – a job, responsibility for leadership, decisions, independence, relationships – of the 24 year old lady, but the lady is separated from the girl and unable to help.

This is your TL;DR.

The girl and lady are in fact different spirits of the same person, separated by a… uh… narcoleptic wall… The youth yearns for guidance: she’s to stunned and confused to act. She has no idea how to break perspex. On the other hand, the lady knows what a maturing youth’s perspective is like. The lady knows that feeling; she was in that situation as a prefect and scholar during her time at school as well, herself yearning for guidance. She believed she had a responsibility to be a lady herself. Neither knows how to break the barrier. The only previous occurance was when the youth tricked herself into “the best way of helping them is sleeping yourself,” but it was fleeting and forgotten, assimilated by some judgement or other. They do remember that moment, but it’s fleeting.

Well, look, I used to joke I was mad. I was, of course, in innocence of my condition… but this… thing is very real.
Because of the abject failure of most other mediums, I turn to you, interwebs (now this could be trollishly dangerous). I don’t think it’s fair to force you to make judgement, but I would definitely appreciate it. Hopefully, the answer is the breakeven out of this suffering…

So! My main dilemma is thus; where could I find guidance so I can plan and execute this task? Counseling? I’ve yet, of course, to regain my parents’ support and that likely won’t happen for a while (a later research topic)…

This isn’t a test and you won’t be graded, class! The intent isn’t to condescend upon you, patronize and then laugh in your face when there’s an answer above. There isn’t. (I personally considered the one in the scenario but haven’t found anything conclusive, yet. Sooo, uh, don’t copypaste it back to me?)
The intent isn’t to socially engineer a team of analysts for me, neither. I don’t want people doing it for stuff (cookies maybe). I don’t want people to feel obliged. I’ll be analysing internally as well, but it is always helpful for a second opinion on big decisions.

6 thoughts on “Self consciousness, insanity and hope

  1. PallySayce says:

    I love the honesty here. It’s refreshing, even if it is also painful.

    I’m not gonna have great answers here. I’m struggling in my own “pit of darkness” here, though I tend to hide mine behind a facade of normality.

    I suppose what struck me is your devotion to the purpose of fighting for what’s right. The paladin mindset. I think when things are at their worst, you need to hang on to that and remember that you are worth fighting for, and even if you’re the only one willing or able to fight, it’s still a worthy cause. If you’re going to fight for the rights and protection of others, you must be willing to fight for yourself first.

    I don’t know if that is helpful or not. Counselling and/or medical intervention might be the best route for you. It’s probably old-fashioned of me, but somewhere I have this gut feeling that if our own emotional and psychological problems are such that we can cope with them without therapy or meds then the solutions actually seem to be more permanent and real.

    Don’t avoid professional help if you need it, but it isn’t always the only answer.

    Thanks for writing all of this. It gave me some perspective I needed as well.

    Be your own Paladin. I’m betting you’re a damn good one.

  2. Cynwise says:

    Anxiety is a brutal thing to live with. My spouse has had serious anxiety issues after the births of both our children; the first time was terrible, since we didn’t know how to treat it yet, and it started a sleep deprivation cycle like you describe. You worry, so you don’t sleep, so you worry more, so you don’t sleep, so you’re fatigued and have no defenses, so you worry more…

    Going to see doctors helped. Lexapro, as distasteful an option as it was at the time, provides her the control to avoid the spirals when her body spikes her cortisol through the roof, triggering her flight instinct.

    I also suffer from anxiety. I don’t write about it much, as it’s not relevant to this persona, but I have it. I have periods of panic attacks that leave me unable to cope with the outside world, which is a bad thing when I have a family depending on me. There goes another anxiety cycle, I can’t stop because people need me but I need to stop omg I can’t stop.

    Exercise helps me, usually. I may need medication. It might help me better than struggling to overcome it on my own.

    Anxiety is the product of the interaction between your body and your mind. There’s so little about our thoughts that really are independent of what our bodies are doing. I watched a strong, in-control, confident woman break down into a wreck who could barely leave the house because of a chemical imbalance. There are times I have to drop the facade of an in-control adult and hide from the world; stop calling, stop IMing, stop, stop, stop – all because I worked too hard, expected too much of myself.

    More than anything else, I would advise you to try to get help. Counsellors are good. Doctors are good. There are people out there who can really help you with this problem, really /solve/ the problem, better than unqualified (but sympathetic) people on the internet. Talk to your general practitioner if you don’t know where to start, but please – talk to someone.

  3. ladyerinia says:

    *caution Mental Health Counselor in training**

    Anolaana, it’s very hard to express myself in writing sometimes, but you have taken the first step to…recovering.

    Here’s what you have going for you:

    1) you recognized that there is a problem
    2) you have a HIGH degree of insight into your anxiety and the underlying causes/issues, way more than most people.
    3) you want help

    Could medication or counseling help? Probably, but they’d be better in combination most certainly. Disordered sleeping suggests an irregularity in brain chemicals and medication could help stabilize whatever is going on physically.

    Cognitively, therapy. Just talking to a therapist, especially with your degree of insight, can really help with perspective and resolving issues. You figure out what needs to be changed and do it. A cognitive behavioral model, or possibly dialectical behavioral therapy may be helpful. I’m a huge fan of DBT, and mindfulness training might really help you (Seriously, if you google it, do NOT get thrown off by the borderline personality references; I think mindfullness training and emotional regulation is good for everyone).

    if you have questions, or need to talk, just hit me up. I’m always willing to listen.

  4. jay/bringing_chaos says:


    I salute you for the bravery and your steadfastness in recognizing your problem. Perhaps it’s not the right place, but let me tell you…

    You are facing exactly the same issue I have been for the past year. My very public breakdowns on Twitter, my flightiness, my emo out letting, my childish outbursts.. study my timeline for a period of time and it becomes apparent. So much so… I hide in my bringing chaos ID. My real ID… is a pretender, with no concerns in life. I know what it is to battle such extreme exhaustion, that at 8 am on a Monday morning, the world around the edges is grey and you are ready to blank/black out.

    Do as Cyn said. Get help if u need to. Find a simple outlet. Don’t let it be wow. Make it something as simple as a written journal (pen/paper kind). Invest in a new hobby. Get some solid guidance, from a professional and get the help you need.

    By acknowledging there is an issue, You are already on the right path and may god guide you on you journeys.

  5. I’ve never seen your tweets as being the way you describe them here. They often don’t make sense to me, but they seem to come from a mind that is too wrapped up in something to be able to choose the best words for explaining that “something”.

    I don’t have any advice for you. I very intimately understand the pursuit of doing “the Right thing” and doing it “the Right way” being mistaken for perfectionism. And I’m no stranger to crippling anxiety. My reaction in reading your post was to think, “No… I don’t want ANYBODY to have to live like that!” So while I may not have any wisdom for you, I am hoping for you to find the help you need to be able to make things better for yourself.

    I second the “Be your own Paladin” idea. It was Tirion Fordring’s story that drew me to paladins and the Light. Between you and me (and the rest of the internet), the really hard days that leave me in tears are the days that I tell myself, “Put your faith in the Light, and all is possible.” What I’m really reminding myself to do is not give up… just like Tirion never abandoned his faith.

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